BE

Know yourself

***
Remember yourself, Always & Everywhere ~ G.I. Gurdjieff

*
BE

Listening

Sensing body

Breathing In

Listening

Sensing body

Breathing out

Listening

Sensing body

Listening
Letting Go

Sensing body

Listening

Sensing body

Repeat Repeat Repeat

~ L.L. 2012

Repetition

"Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it." ~ George Santayana

Picture

 http://www.fotosearch.com/FSE389/x12822462/

"Gurdjieff taught that man must create/develop a soul through the course of his life by following a teaching which can lead to this aim, or he will "die like a dog".

Stop chasing that tail!
Get real about your study,
Awaken to your true reality
Be  Still
Be Peace
BE

Glasswing Butterflies

Photo

"After death and the interlife comes rebirth. Here they are reborn. The story continues..."

Be at Peace

Be Loving

BE Love

BE

When the Mourning Is Over

 

detail from painted shawl

How do we know when the worst part of the mourning is over after any loss?  For myself, I wake up one day and realize the crushing weight of longing for what is finished is gone. The sun is shining inside me even if it’s not shining outside; the world has not come to an end, and if it is, that’s okay.  I am in alignment again. The nagging sense of lonesomeness has been vanquished, swept away out of my internal world by sweet acceptance and understanding. Shattered confidence is (seemingly mysteriously) restored to its rightful place. My Heart has mended.  All people, places and things are recognized and known for what they really are… for what they really have been all along – including self.  Inner peace IS. Lady and Sir Denial, like Elvis, have indeed left the building. Huzzah! Monsieur Energy Sucker and his wife, Madame What If-If Only, have gone with them – all vanished into thin air. The only evidence left of their grim visitations - new lessons impressed indelibly on hard drive memory; lessons earned… if I have been diligent in my Work - lessons now one with my cellular structure. Some mistakes will never be repeated again. Some will. I Know this. Understanding of what that old adage, “Time heals all wounds”, means reigns again, more deeply this time as it is each time I Pay attention to the process. Grateful to know these truths in my Holy of Holies; my Dear Heart is glad of the healing balm.  Grace settles on me, a veil has been lifted and I Know the ancient Promise is made good. Not a single petty “iota” dares even think to speak of the dead in egoistic attempts at false rationalization. It is over and to “keep moving” forward in this clearer perception is Joy. I am off the sidelines and have been restored to sanity, free to Love without fear or stinginess.

“Ha, yes, for now!” some gloomy Gus snorts in an echo from a back room of the head brain.
“Yes, my dear this is a given”, I smile, “it always has been, but each time we know more, yes? You always forget that part of the observation. Perhaps it was inconvenient for you to remember; in any case, to keep moving forward is a Joy. This is my birthright.”

Be Peaceful
Be Kindness
Be Love
BE

GOSSIP Revisited

I originally posted this topic on 2 September 2009 under the Title: Gossip.

I re-post it today as a reminder that, more often than not, what we say in gossip to our friends and neighbors does permanent harm to everyone concerned.

Gossip is manipulation.
Gossiping damages and halts  your progress and growth.
It can even end your inner work permanently.

Repairing this error is extremely difficult and many do not make it.

Worse yet, this lack of spiritual self control on your part also seriously damages the possibilities for the awakening of those you are gossiping to if they believe  your gossip.

Even if they do not - you have planted negative seeds, which feed their own stories and fears - making their journeys more difficult.

You alienate them from what could save them.

This is especially true when these people are just beginning to know for themselves that they sincerely wish for something higher.

Nothing created in negativity produces anything useful - except very hard lessons (if you can See and Hear) in what comes from intentionally directed negativity for your own selfish ends.


You banish yourself and your listener(s) to illusion.

You are stealing their opportunities to enter into a true spiritual realm of study.

... and giving in to your ego impulses to gossip takes from you what you have worked so hard to earn.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

From the Movie: Doubt  

After being accused of heinous acts, a priest, Father Brendan Flynn, tells the following story to his congregation:

"A man was gossiping with a friend about a man he hardly knew." Father Flynn looks into the eyes of the congregation sitting before him as he speaks, his intense gaze lingering on the faces of his two accusers. "I know none of you have ever done this." People squirm in their seats.

 Father Flynn continues: "That night he had a dream. A great hand appeared over him and pointed a finger down at him. He was immediately seized with an overwhelming sense of guilt. The next day he went to confession. He got the old parish priest and told him the whole thing."

"Is gossiping a sin?" he asked the old man. "Was that the hand of Almighty God pointing a finger at me? Should I be asking your absolution Father? Father, tell me, have I done something wrong?"

"Yes!", the old priest answered. "Yes! You ignorantly badly brought up man! You've born false witness against your neighbor! You played fast and loose with [her] reputation and you should be heartily ashamed!"


"The man said he was sorry and asked forgiveness."

"Not so fast," said the old priest. "I want you to go home, take a pillow off your bed, take it up to the roof, cut it open with a knife and return here to me."

"So, the man went home, took a pillow off his bed, got a knife from the kitchen, took them up to the roof, and stabbed and cut the pillow open. Then he went back to the priest and told him he'd done what he asked."

"Did you gut the pillow with a knife?" the old priest asked."

"Yes, Father."

"And what was the result?" he asked."

"Feathers." he replied."

"Feathers." the priest repeated nodding his head up and down, yes"

"Feathers everywhere, Father." the man said, not yet getting the point."

The priest then told him: " Now, I want you to go back and gather up every last feather that flew out on the wind."

"Well," said the man, "it can't be done, I don't know where they went. They flew all over"

"And that," said the priest, "is GOSSIP!!"
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

If you can take this story into your heart with the appropriate attitude, be you the one who gossips or the one who is "innocently" listening to the gossip, or both, live with it for awhile. You will come to truly understand what it means on a higher level through higher consciousness. If you do that sincerely and are honest with yourself before God, you will be freed from that which causes you to gossip. It is difficult, but the Freedom you earn is worth it in the end.

I once heard, when I was a very young gossip fiend, that gossip kills. As I delved deeper and deeper into inner work in the following years, I discovered it was a lawful truth. Gossip kills.

Know that I Love You,

BE At Peace

Do No more Harm to yourself or to others

EVERYTHING IS Sacred

BE

I AM

A Natural Conversation

What I Am In This Moment disturbs you. There is no ordinary ‘entertainment’ for the sleeping man in I Am. As you look at me in horror exclaiming: “What’s wrong? Are you dying? Am I dying?” a giggle rises to my chest.  My heart is tickled by your innocence. Compassion comes for Us.

“Maybe.” I answer, “It’s okay, I AM just breathing in This Moment. Relax Your Self. BE Still. BE In Peace. BE.”

As you Stop to breathe, I See You returning Home.

 Hello

Change

Commentaries: Book I: Birdlip, May 4, 1941

"It is very necessary at this moment to understand what the Fourth Way mean. There are four ways of work on oneself. We [practice] the Fourth Way which is the most difficult of all because it must be practiced in the midst of life. The Way of the Fakir - that is - the First Way - the Way of the Monk - that is the Second Way - the way of the Yogi - that is the Third Way, is not our way. We have to speak on the small scale of ourselves, but the point is that we are, even on this small scale, trying to follow the Fourth Way which comes down into external life always when there is a period of disorder and chaos."

"Now I would like to say to you all that some of you do not understand the idea of the Fourth Way - for example, you appear to me to expect that the conditions that have existed at one time must or will always exist. This is quite wrong. The Fourth Way must always be related to the varying circumstances of life and can never become fixed and habitual. Suddenly it may be necessary to alter the whole external scheme of things. I want especially at this moment to have around me people who can understand this and who understand this and can relate themselves to different conditions and still maintain in themselves all the principles and ideas of the work. We have no idea how things will go in the future. But we understand that the work must continue in the future. And that means that people must be able to adjust themselves to completely different external conditions and yet maintain the sense and feeling of the work."

"In the Fourth Way the first main achievement is to become No. 4 man - that is, balanced man or all sided man. Now if some of you have formed an idea of what the external form of the work is from past associations and you find yourselves confronted with an entirely new external state of affairs and become negative you are really useless to me in so far as the Fourth Way is concerned. You must learn that every change in the work externally is always useful to you, whatever form it takes, and all of you must be prepared to follow the work in its changing outer manifestations and at all moments maintain a clear inner attitude towards it. [....]"

"I said a long time ago to you and repeated it several times that the work does not necessarily include coming to the Farm and that the Farm was distinct in a sense from the teaching of the work. The work exists through everyone's attitude towards it and no matter what the external situation may be it should make no difference to work in this sense. I am sorry that I have to say this but it is necessary to do so. For all that I know, we may find ourselves again in quite different circumstances, which again will require a proper understanding, and then again, and then again. People must understand that they are in the Fourth Way and that they must always be able to be "all things to all people" and to develop every side of themselves, in relation to society and to all forms of external life, to a reasonable point: otherwise they do not understand the idea of the Fourth Way which maintains itself in the midst of life amongst everything that goes on, adjusting itself and yet always maintaining itself internally. The Fourth Way is and must be the most "flexible" of all, but it requires a most flexible inner understanding and unless a person can be flexible, and yet maintain the feeling of the work, he is a rather difficult subject in connection with this line of the work. Every change in circumstances provides a very useful chance for everyone to learn something. When I have sufficient people around me whom I can trust, in the sense of their being able to deal normally with every kind of person they meet and with every situation in life, I will feel that I am able to extend the work in the way I wish to extend it eventually. And here I will remind you of "mechanicalness" in the work. If you cannot relate to one side or another in life you must make this one of your aims. There is not a single thing in life about which a man in the Fourth Way should not be knowledgeable, or capable of maintaining himself in connection with it. This Fourth Way is not romantic and it is no use having romantic feelings about the Farm in Essex. This Fourth Way is quite ruthless and as soon as something is finished - that is, gives no longer real value, it is abandoned. [...]"

"I would be very glad if you would all try to understand what I mean because it is important to draw attention to this point owing to the fact that so often everyone begins to "settle down" after a time into some form of Fourth Way work which he thinks is going to go on and on just like that. Unfortunately, such mental and emotional habits can be formed"

"I once said to G.: "Why don't you build more solidly?" (We were building a theater.) He said: "This only temporary. In a very short time everything will be different. Everyone will be elsewhere. Nothing can be built permanently at this moment." So it is necessary for everybody to understand in a way what this means. Many times G. had no work "externally" - that is, no place, no habitation. Everything seemed to have been dissolved away and from the external sensory point of view to have vanished, yet, as you know the work went on and was finally transmitted to this country, and yet this had nothing to do with the external form of the work, with the actual house or the situation and so on, and in view of what G. told me privately I fancy that we can have no permanent home for the work and that we will have to adjust ourselves to every kind of situation in the future. But all of you who have heard the teaching over a sufficient time should be able now to be quite tranquil about change in the external form or the external demands of the work and to relate yourselves instantly to them from the work point of view. The trouble is that things become mechanical and it is necessary for a shock to be given so that things are no longer mechanical. But the work continues in the same way and speaks with the same voice and gives the same force to those who acknowledge and practice it."

~ Maurice Nicoll

Be at Peace, Do no Harm, BE
Home Is where the Heart Is

Luke 6:4

"Either how canst thou say to thy brother, Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye, when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother's eye."

Peace, Be Well, Be Happy, Awake

Do You Want To Be Happy or Do You Want To Be Right?

Are you the jailer or are you the prisoner? When we hold anger and resentments against others, we are both. On a psychic level, we imprison them (and ourselves) by holding on to and indulging these negative feelings.

The next time you are angry with someone, just notice how your body is in tension - notice where the tensions are. Notice how these tensions are clamping down on and restricting the free flow of blood in your veins and arteries, and restricting your breathing. Vital nutrients and oxygen are not being distributed properly to your organs. You may find yourself breathing shallowly or heavily or hyperventilating; you might even be holding your breath. The tension may be in the stomach muscles resulting in nausea, indigestion, sour stomach, acid reflux, constipation or diarrhea. You could be tensing the sphincter and genital muscles and the muscles surrounding the organs in the lower part of the body. Your neck could be so stiff that you become dizzy or confused; vision can become blurred, and hearing can be effected by tension in the head and neck area. Heart problems, high and low blood pressure, strokes, and even hardening of the arteries could occur. There can be severe tension in the lower, middle and upper back, wrists, hands, and fingers. Chronic tension in these areas could result in serious, debilitating and life threatening illness. Tensions can appear anywhere in the body. It is interesting to see them as they move around. The more familiar you become with where you hold tensions the more easily you can, with practice, locate and relax tensions that are causing problems in your body.

Chronically angry and resentful people can and do become quite ill because the organs, including the brain, are not receiving the proper oxygen and nutrients they need to function properly. Imagine what that does over your lifetime. Where do you hold the most tension? Breathe through the nose into that area a few times to relax the muscles there. Notice the difference in how you feel.

Many medical and alternative healing modalities teach that where illness occurs in the body is directly related to habitual negative thinking where tension from long held negative beliefs and resentments exist.

Regularly practicing forgiveness and the relaxation of tensions in the body can help to free you from debilitating habitual negativity. Practice forgiveness daily - learn to forgive others and to forgive yourself. When you find yourself thinking angry, resentful thoughts about people, stop to take a few minutes to look at what is going on inside your body and in your thoughts. Notice who you are angry with - who are you resenting? Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? If you want to be happy, forgive. Close your eyes and visualize the person you are angry with say the Forgiveness Prayer (affirmation)below. As you say it you may notice varying degrees of resistance to forgiving them and letting go of the tensions. Don't worry about this or fight with it - just listen to all the reasons or excuses for not forgiving them - allow it to be and to give you all the information it has about the issues you have with this person. After a few minutes, if you are not able to release the tension and forgive them, just say, "I forgive myself." and stop the session. Leave it there and go do something else. During the coming hours you will notice a shift in the way you are thinking and feeling about the anger at that person. The issues may not seem so important now. Perhaps you would rather be free of the restricting tension? Come back to the prayer/affirmation for this particular person when you feel ready to try again. Each time you try, you will notice a positive shift in your thinking about the person and the situation and yourself.

Just keep practicing the prayer/affirmation, eventually it will become easier and you will be able to let go sooner. In the beginning you may just get more information about why you are angry, over time you will be able to forgive them and yourself for your own part in the issue. Do not try to force anything. If you try this for a few minutes and find you are not able to release the tension and negativity, don't worry, try again another time. Adding this to your daily practice of sitting meditation, walking meditation, journaling and relaxation exercises enhances the ability to forgive tremendously. With patient practice, you will be able to release others and yourself from your prison of anger, resentment and fear. Your life, health and relationships will improve in ways you can't possibly imagine.

If there are people in your life who intentionally or unintentionally continue to cause you pain and suffering regardless of how many adjustments you've made to accommodate them or how often you practice the affirmation, it may be time to alter the nature of the relationship. In some cases you may actually have to terminate those relationships for your sanity and well being. Continue to use the affirmation as you disengage. There is no need to hold on to that which makes you ill or kills your spirit or negates your Being. Forgive them and and yourself and set yourself free.

In some instances I have discovered that even when I believe it's best to end a relationship and have accepted that this will happen, practicing this prayer/affirmation has actually opened up new paths to healing for us rather than ending. The relationships change and grow in unexpected and more positive directions.

Profound changes can occur in relationships, individuals and entire communities we are connected with when we practice intentional forgiveness.

Affirmation/Prayer (adapted from Louis Hay's:How to Heal Your Life:

"I forgive you (say person's name) for not being as I wanted you to be. I forgive you and set you free; and I forgive myself."

"Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do." Jesus Christ

Be at Peace,
Lalo

Humble Pie is a Good Thing

Humble Pie is a Good Thing

BE Humble
Eat some Humble pie
A suggestion to the ego
To PRACTICE Humility

Entertain the idea
Perhaps all would go easier for you
If you would only…

Wait to see

Who and what is standing in front of you
Stay all those reactive parts
Entice your "brain" with the promise

Perhaps the deep sorrow you experience
Is your heart yearning.

Open to Love

You are them
They are you
You are it
It is you

All connected
One very long Golden thread

What is all the fear about?
Afraid you won’t get your share?
Afraid you won’t get enough?
Afraid you will be tricked?
Afraid you won't get a return on your "investments"?

Stop being a puffed up goose
Your hissing keeps you from what you want most
Your doubt chokes and empties your life
Until you are dead
Worse than stone

Already consumed by the moon

Be at Peace,
Lalo

Prayer Mantra Affirmation

Affirmations, prayers and mantras, what do they have in common?

Everything - they are the same thing.

We attract what we think into our lives. All religions and spiritual schools, all "new age" philosophies use prayer, mantras, and affirmations as tools to help one move toward higher states of consciousness from which one can live with a greater degree of clarity and freedom from limiting thought patterns, beliefs and behaviors.

Automatic thoughts whirrr on and on in our head brains. What are they saying? Do you have any idea what yours is saying all day long? What are these unmonitored thoughts attracting into your life? When you begin to listen to them, you will notice habitual patterns of thinking and you will notice that most of that habitual thinking is negative, and you will come to realize that habitual thinking is not real. You will see how these habitual negative thoughts keep you from having, being and doing the things you wish to have, be, do most in your life today.

Do you wish for change? If you do wish for something new in your life, you have to dump the old thought patterns that keep you marching in the same place year after year, in relationship after relationship. You have to refresh your head brain with new thoughts - affirmations/ prayers/ mantras... I will write more about this in the coming weeks.

Last year, I kept coming across a a quote on a post-it I found somewhere years ago. It said: "“When you are feeling depreciated, angry or deceived, it is a sign that others are not open to your energy.”

Today, I would change this to say: “When you are feeling depreciated, upset, unloved or deceived, it is a sign that others may not be open to your energy - (or a sign that you are asleep immersed in habitual negative thinking, or that you are having a bad hair day, or are having a negative reaction to your breakfast, lunch or dinner; or are put off by others looks, manifestations, etc.)” The list could go on but why waste the time. I'm sure you get the picture.

This is not to say that there are not some unfortunate miserable people out there who are habitually negative, grudge carrying, "account keeping" (as Maurice Nicoll said), meanies who enjoy slopping their negativity onto the nearest target on a regular basis - nevertheless - whatever the reason we feel depreciated, angry, unloved, disrespected, baited or deceived, we must act and disengage from the situation internally as soon as we become aware of what is going on. We must come back to center in ourselves, process the information quickly and return to a more positive state so that we can handle those situations and people in less reactive way. How do we do this? It takes practice, but it can be done. All that you need to know can't be taught in a blog post but little bits that you can try on your own can be posted that might help.

In any case, I kept the quote on my desk when I worked in a call center in customer service. I used it as a reminder that I did not have to be affected by other people’s manifestations. Keeping this concept in front of me helped a lot in that business. Whatever pushed my buttons when I was less connected to my wish to live in peace and set me off into a downward spiral of negative emotional thinking would vanish almost instantly whenever I looked at the note. I would stop for a moment or two, take a deep breath and return to the weight of my body sitting in the chair. I would remember who I was and what I wanted. I made it a habit to look at the quote several times a day - especially when a customer was very upset and taking it out on me.

The note kept surfacing from my piles of paper a few months ago, so I taped it to my computer monitor.Recently, when I was sitting and focused on helping my body to work through a physical pain that settled in my solar plexus after spending some time with someone who was intent on deliberately hurting me, I noticed the sensation of what seemed like a large cylinder about 5" in diameter and which reached horizontally about 3 - 4 " into the center of my body. The mouth of the cylinder was open, black, and jagged edged; it was literally throbbing. I looked at my thoughts and had an immediate image of what happened the day before and the image of the "frenemy" who was involved. As I viewed the images, the nausea increased as did the pain. I began to repeat an affirmation until the images, pain and nausea were gone.

This kind of self healing work is is best done sitting alone quietly in a chair in a quiet place where you will not be disturbed for at least half an hour. Repeat the words as many times as it takes to release the negativity involving others, and to stop any psychic pain. At first using this method to resolve real or perceived hurts may seem fake but I promise, continued use of this particular affirmation can bring instant results once you really understand how it works and you can only understand it by practicing it. It clears the way for better, more positive experiences with others. As long as we hold these negative thoughts and feelings about others we will never be free. There are other supporting lessons to help you get good at this, but more about that in another post, I am sure or contact me for more information.

I've adapted this prayer/mantra/affirmation from Louise Hay's affirmation for forgiveness :

“I Forgive you __(say the name of the person)__ for not Being as I hoped you would Be. I Forgive you and set you free.” (Wait a moment or two, then affirm) “And, I Forgive myself.”

We forgive ourselves because we somehow attracted this behavior from others. I will address how we do this in detail at another time.

I then stated the following affirmation: "Today I wish to be impervious to all slights: imagined and intended, perceptible and imperceptible. I deserve a, peaceful and happy life filled with the Love and respect of family, friends, and neighbors in a loving community, in a loving world. I send respectful, peaceful and loving thoughts and energy to everyone. I am Loved and I am loving."

Practice makes perfect, just remember what you really want is peace for yourself and for everyone else.

Peace

"Don't Worry, Be Happy"

Meher Baba coined that phrase and two brothers in Philadelphia, Bernard and Murray Spain came up with the Smiley Face that eventually led to the birth of thousands of tiny emoticons.

Genius!

Where does your smiley face live in you?

Don't worry, Be happy!

Finding Balance

It's always about beginning again isn't it?

In this moment and this moment and this moment - from wherever I am. That is the beauty of this inner work. Even if I fall off the inevitable cliffs I can trust that if I keep moving and come back to this inner attention and awareness of the sensation of my body, I will find my way back to balance again; sometimes by myself, and sometimes with (as those famous Beatles once said) with a little help from my friends.

Ain't life grand?

Peace

Jealousy

Jealousy
At Best
Is an ugly, shriveled,
Little,

Thing.

Give it a drink of water.
Heal its wounds.

Peace,
Lalo

Let Go

Let go that idea
Come
Bring fullness to the moment

Even sorrow
Even joy
Cannot take away
Your birthright
When you stand whole
In your own shoes.

L.

Where Is My Friend?

Snagged and snagged again
On this and that
Things of consequence
and things of no consequence

She is lost
Wandering
Unknowing

Where is my friend?
She is gone too long;
I miss her company.

I sit quietly
Re membering

Ahh, here she is.

She slips in
Bringing the sun.

Peace,
L

Simplicity

Just
To Be

Living
Breathing
Walking
Talking
Sighing
Dieing
Eating
Laughing
Crying
Sleeping
Awake

Human

Yes, no, maybe
Yes

Just
To Be

Words
No Words
Thoughts
No thoughts

Me, myself and I
Inside
Outside
Here
With you
With me

Happy as a clam.

Peace

Too Many Papers

I've spent days looking for two faxes containing "important documents", which I sent out during the last two weeks. I need them now and will have to resend them along with additional information shortly. It's ridiculous. Because of this intensive hunt for the documents there are now piles of paper all over the floor causing confusion and pressure in my poor little pea brain and a tightness in the stomach every time I look at them. Breathe. How can I look at this differently?

Normally all of these bits have homes in file drawers or storage boxes. Why do I keep them at all? My mother (a bookkeeper, tax preparer for H&R Block, and expert paper pusher) used to say we must keep at least ten years of tax related records (including all receipts) just in case we were ever asked to prove what we claimed. Sufficiently transfused with her concern, like a good girl I still obey this rule. There you have quite a bit of paper already. I can't blame it all on my mommy though. Add to that the fact that I am an artist, writer and pack rat - unable to let go of one single bit of anything that seems as if it might be "useful one day" - photographs, books, booklets, manuals, and scraps of this and that - all related - of course - to projects I may do or to use as inspiration or to remind me of something I want to remember - and there you have it. I live in "a pile of stuff with a cover on it." as George Carlin said.

I recall seeing the writing rooms of famous authors, which were filled from end to end, top to bottom with papers and books and little figures of this or that. There was barely room to move. I am not that bad but almost. It's always been like this with me. Every space I've ever occupied for any length of time soon gets filled with "stuff" - all material, all food as far as I can determine - food I am hoarding to pick over when I get hungry and need to eat something specific in order to continue.

Often when I am done with a project, a sort of postpartum blues settles over me. I begin cleaning, sorting, purging, putting all this 'stuff' into order. As the body moves and the hands handle the outer material, the head brain looks through the eyes and and through the "i's", and through the "I's". It daydreams, imagines, plans. It is sorting. It, is eating what it sees in a sense, it is looking for new projects to work on.

I wonder, where am I? How can I participate more actively in this process? Why do I perform this task in my sleep? I remember to become aware of my breathing and begin to allow my breath to be a part of the picture. More of me comes into focus in the space.

When I find the "important' documents and have safely put them in a new file folder in a safe place, I can make order out of the chaos and move on to the next thing - beginning again.

Peace

BEGINNING AGAIN

In every moment we have the opportunity to begin again - new, a clean slate - innocent.

In the work, beginning again means to come back to oneself, to re-member oneself and start from there in that moment. Easier said than done and done easier than said.

Early on it was drummed into my thick skull that I would begin again a million billion times. After a time I finally verified for myself the reality that I would definitely "get lost". Then, I tested and verified for myself, the idea that every moment there was an opportunity to catch the next train as it were. How liberating - every moment I could begin again from wherever I found myself. No need to despair, but no excuse not to work or to be a slacker.

This knowledge gave me a great sense of freedom from my (then) habitually depressive self. It was a key building block for me in my aim to know and become master of myself and my second aim of learning how to love unconditionally. (No, I am not saying that I have become Master of myself at this time. Not to worry - not flying off to lala land today.)

So, after a weekend of short excursions outside my cave, I finally went to bed early this morning after playing a few more hands of spider solitaire while sifting over the day's events, which confused and saddened me a bit. The bright clean happiness I experienced during the Sunday meeting soon turned to murky cloudy merde after a few brief exchanges with friends during the short break . The atmosphere changed, the energy changed - I sensed negativity where none seemed necessary - is negativity ever necessary? Isn't it interesting how like the weather outside, we have 'weather' inside? Like planets we circle one another and are influenced by each others magnetic pull and emissions. Sad, I’m not sure what is happening . I will not give it any more weight. I leave it there, inside inside me, between the solar plexus and diaphragm like a paper weight. It will just be there until something shifts. I am as I am - in this moment and this moment, not pushing with my mind at this poor old carcass or beating up the emotions with scripts for imaginary scenarios; not sitting in a belief system that tells me that I am something I am not, I am just accepting what is as it is. I am just me, bumbling around in my life in this body. I can only do the work I can in each moment. I can only begin from where I am in any moment of grace when something in me remembers I am interested in being more complete, ("Awake, sleep not for ye know not the hour...." Jesus Christ).

This week again every hour on the hour I try - stop, look, what is happening? Study the food diagram and the hydrogens; ponder food, air, impressions. I find the simple exercises, ones given with few words are best for me. My mind is truly done with trying to "figure it all out". In the moments my wish to Be surfaces and the energy is strong enough to pull me up out of the dream, emotions are visceral not imaginary, my body is a welcome friend - all together once again. I am alive - dancing.

Inside and outside right now I am content with my life as it is. I don't feel the need for more material things - in fact I want less. Many worldly things that are important to others are not important to me. I am doing what I love, drawing, writing, painting, sculpting, communicating with other artists and writers, working on projects delayed for too many years by my own slavery to everything and everyone outside myself. Finally, I am more important to me than everything else. I am free and happy now in a way I honestly know I would never have experienced before I came to the work. I will not leave this peace for "good opinions" or to match anyone's version of who or what I "should" be.

Hmmm... it doesn't feel right to leave it there. I Love my friends. I love them with all my heart and soul and am so grateful to them for Being. I would not be this free or happy had I not met them. I wish for them what I have found for myself and more... everything they are capable of.

Again, we are like the weather, (LOL) but when are the storm clouds going to clear? I am patient. I can wait.

Peace

Come What May

I originally wrote:

"After almost a year of learning how to build a website (LaloBean.com) here is the blog. It will be a place to say what I want to say, when I want to say it - with no one to tell me to be quiet."

... and yet, here I am silencing myself; stemming what was for a short while there, an amazing, seemingly ceaseless flow of communiques from inside.

I also said:

"At the risk of continuing , a fool, hell bent in what may possibly have been a lifelong (some may call it) "airy fairy" fashion, Lalo (that's me), at the urging of rogue cohorts (the more aggressive and forward parts of myself), sticks her tongue at all the jealousy windows and marches forward. In tribute to good teachers everywhere and one specifically, Lalo just keeps moving toward cherished goals, pushing envelopes and opening doors. We look forward to this new venue and hope you will join us in our new adventures on the net."

.. ah so, and here we have it. Stopped dead in my tracks. A BIG BOLD statement made and now every internal egger on retreats - true cowards - to the dark corners and the little rooms at the bottom of who knows where. This will change... I just have to get past whatever it is that keeps me from speaking up. Meanwhile, I'll just bump around in here and see what it, who or I, comes.

Peace