In This Vast Silence

In this vast Silence

You attack your own illusion,

A scuffle breaks out.

Your Lies emit cacophonous vibrations,

Echoing indelible images of your false i's.

No one is fooled,

Not even yourself.

from Lalo The Snake Catcher, ©2008 ~ L. Lopez

 

Internal Considering & The Holidays

email:


D: "I have been reading and on the fourth read of Self Observation by Red Hawk.  It has really helped me to understand better. Right now I deal with pain from siblings who did not help me take care of my parents for ten years. Intellectually I understand but I "judge" them still and feel anger off and on.  The work is such nourishment for me and helps me like nothing I have studied before. Identification with my "family" of origin is my intense work now.  My passion for art suffers from the grief of letting them go and also the joy of letting them go."

L: "Hello D...  Thank you for your letter. ... Sorry, I don't know the name Red Hawk or the book. Can you tell me who that is...

It is very hard to be objective when it comes to family and very close friends. Examining and processing past (and even present) events and hurt feelings toward your siblings surrounding your parents long term care in the light of what real work on oneself  brings can be so healing. I worked for many years to learn how to release ... anger, hurt and resentment toward my family ...  so that I could come to a place of [less subjective] understanding and simply Be and Love them ... unconditionally. My Heart appreciated the release. It was in that prison along with everyone else until I let go. It is necessary to let go of the old dreams, plans and expectations and simply Be in the reality that truly is in each moment [I Am] in a state of acceptance - present in the moment.

This inner Work is an example of the voluntary suffering Gurdjieff spoke of. You are experiencing that, as you acknowledge that you are being nourished by the work of self observation. You will see more and more often as you work toward emotional freedom that if you can be present to both what you are experiencing emotionally and identified with, [without being taken by the experience], it will be easier to let it go and something else, [something Higher] begins to take place in you. Real Love, Understanding and Compassion will come to take the negativity's place.

Really the truth is, at the bottom of it all is some poor little "i" or group of "i's" somewhere inside, measuring and counting - keeping score of how much love "it" got for how much love "it" gave and retelling "it's" sad old stories and lies to itself. When you can see those "i's" clearly in a moments of  Being, the pain subsides and is transformed ... True understanding comes, bringing the Love those poor little "i's" have been wishing for [all your life] from those outside yourself  "they" expected to get it from.  You begin to get that Love from yourself, from your Higher self.

Gurdjieff's idea that every stick has two ends serves well when one can stand, whole, in the middle. Whenever I get the poop end, I turn it around and look at what is there on the other end.  I verify this for myself over and over again.

I am also an artist and find that when my [outer] work is interrupted by ... emotional issues, I am identified. I need to stop everything and sit until I am no longer identified with whatever has taken me. Then, when I return to the ... [outer work] , I am so much more present and so much better at my craft...

Be Peace
Be Love
Be Well
BE

L.

Journal: Instructions for Mourning Properly

Grief is a very interesting experience.

Letting go... how does one do that? It's such a popular concept. Dime store advice and methodologies abound. Cast your net for five seconds and there it is, the perfect solution for what ails you. At least, a lot of words about how to cure what ails you. In reality it's best to arm oneself with all the information and theories one can, read everything on what happens during the mourning process and then walk through the fire- suffer until the suffering is over.

This is a natural process. Know you are suffering and why.   Be present as much as possible to what you are feeling, listen to what the mind is saying, it's sure to run through a million scenarios, memories and more. One can be a little self destructive during this time, especially if a lot of self blaming and guilt are attached. Be mindful of how the body is reacting to all this emotion and take care of it during the process.   Journal the experience - write it all down, the good, the bad and the ugly! Honor your feelings, allow yourself to feel. Be a drama queen/king, don't be a drama queen/king. See the drama queen/king in action Cry as much and for as long as it takes. Yell at God. (S/he won't get mad at you.) Take internal notes and pictures along the way, accept yourself as you are, in the most sincere way. Be gentle with yourself, experience what you are experiencing, Get help if you start to think dark thoughts or are drinking too much or relying on drugs to dull the pain.  Allow others to help. Claim your privacy when you need it. Go underground and listen.  Remember to come up for air once in awhile. Don't stay in there for too long (keep a calender) and remember to bathe and change your clothes once in awhile. When the fog begins to lift, be nice to yourself, don't push too hard - take baby steps. Remember to tell God you were sorry for yelling at him/her.


Studies have shown that there are five [basic] stages to mourning:   

• Denial, disbelief, numbness
• Anger, blaming others
• Bargaining (for instance "If I am cured of this cancer, I will never smoke again.")
• Depressed mood, sadness, and crying
• Acceptance, coming to terms with the reality of the situation

  "When someone we love is gone from our lives, it is as if a piece of us has been torn away. The loss rends the fabric of our lives and the wound must be repaired. Grief is that process by which our minds heal this hurt. For us to go on with our lives and again risk caring about others, we need to let go of those we love who are no longer with us. Through this process of mourning, we gradually accept the loss. We allow the dead to be gone from our lives.
At the end of mourning, there is still sadness, but it is a wistful sadness that is tempered by the happy memories that we still possess."  Glenn Brynes, Ph.D., M.D.

BE Good

BE Love

Journal: Juggling

Vintage 1960's Men's or Woman's Lounging Robe or Smoking Jacket

I forgot what it was like to juggle so many balls in the air at once. I'm a little rusty, but am beginning to remember how. The demands of the outer situation are keeping me on my toes and that  magical door to no-time has reopened.

Forced to come out of seclusion, grief is not so  overwhelmingly present; the ice has begun to crack and crocuses are peeking through the snow. They're smiling at me, and from time to time, I smile back. See, the other end of the stick; it's not so bad ;-)  Perhaps the mourning is almost over, we'll see.

In any case, I've decided to add some vintage items to the shop, things I've loved for a long time. It's time to let them go.

L.

My Ten Little Russian "Indians" are almost 100 years old

Gethsemene

Matthew 26:36 Then cometh Jesus with them (the disciples) unto a place called Gethsemane and saith unto the disciples, "Sit ye here while I go and pray yonder." 37 And he took with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee and began to be sorrowful and very heavy. 38 Then saith he unto them, "My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death; tarry ye here and watch with me."  39 And he went a little farther and fell on his face and prayed saying, "Oh my Father, if it be possible let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will but as thou wilt." 40 And he cometh unto the disciples and findeth them asleep and saith unto Peter, "What, could ye not watch with me one hour? 41 Watch and pray that ye enter not into temptation; the spirit indeed is willing but the flesh is weak." 42 He went away again the second time and prayed saying, "O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from except I drink it, Thy will be done."
43 And he came and found them asleep again for their eyes were heavy. 44 And he left them and went away again and prayed the third time saying the same words.

When the Mourning Is Over

 

detail from painted shawl

How do we know when the worst part of the mourning is over after any loss?  For myself, I wake up one day and realize the crushing weight of longing for what is finished is gone. The sun is shining inside me even if it’s not shining outside; the world has not come to an end, and if it is, that’s okay.  I am in alignment again. The nagging sense of lonesomeness has been vanquished, swept away out of my internal world by sweet acceptance and understanding. Shattered confidence is (seemingly mysteriously) restored to its rightful place. My Heart has mended.  All people, places and things are recognized and known for what they really are… for what they really have been all along – including self.  Inner peace IS. Lady and Sir Denial, like Elvis, have indeed left the building. Huzzah! Monsieur Energy Sucker and his wife, Madame What If-If Only, have gone with them – all vanished into thin air. The only evidence left of their grim visitations - new lessons impressed indelibly on hard drive memory; lessons earned… if I have been diligent in my Work - lessons now one with my cellular structure. Some mistakes will never be repeated again. Some will. I Know this. Understanding of what that old adage, “Time heals all wounds”, means reigns again, more deeply this time as it is each time I Pay attention to the process. Grateful to know these truths in my Holy of Holies; my Dear Heart is glad of the healing balm.  Grace settles on me, a veil has been lifted and I Know the ancient Promise is made good. Not a single petty “iota” dares even think to speak of the dead in egoistic attempts at false rationalization. It is over and to “keep moving” forward in this clearer perception is Joy. I am off the sidelines and have been restored to sanity, free to Love without fear or stinginess.

“Ha, yes, for now!” some gloomy Gus snorts in an echo from a back room of the head brain.
“Yes, my dear this is a given”, I smile, “it always has been, but each time we know more, yes? You always forget that part of the observation. Perhaps it was inconvenient for you to remember; in any case, to keep moving forward is a Joy. This is my birthright.”

Be Peaceful
Be Kindness
Be Love
BE

If Not Love, Then What?

If I am not Love,
What am I?
A thing.
Some... thing.
Unknown to myself.

I told you an hundred times,
"I Love You."
You only heard,
"i love you"
and closed your Heart.

You said,
"Yes, for now."

I answered,
"I Know, nevertheless,
I Love You no matter what."

You turned away
Without Under-Standing.

Love is nothing to fear my Friend.

Listen
BE Listening

Open Your Heart
BE Listening

Open

Love

BE Love

GOD Is Love
                    ~Lalo


BE