In every moment we have the opportunity to begin again - new, a clean slate - innocent.
In the work, beginning again means to come back to oneself, to re-member oneself and start from there in that moment. Easier said than done and done easier than said.
Early on it was drummed into my thick skull that I would begin again a million billion times. After a time I finally verified for myself the reality that I would definitely "get lost". Then, I tested and verified for myself, the idea that every moment there was an opportunity to catch the next train as it were. How liberating - every moment I could begin again from wherever I found myself. No need to despair, but no excuse not to work or to be a slacker.
This knowledge gave me a great sense of freedom from my (then) habitually depressive self. It was a key building block for me in my aim to know and become master of myself and my second aim of learning how to love unconditionally. (No, I am not saying that I have become Master of myself at this time. Not to worry - not flying off to lala land today.)
So, after a weekend of short excursions outside my cave, I finally went to bed early this morning after playing a few more hands of spider solitaire while sifting over the day's events, which confused and saddened me a bit. The bright clean happiness I experienced during the Sunday meeting soon turned to murky cloudy merde after a few brief exchanges with friends during the short break . The atmosphere changed, the energy changed - I sensed negativity where none seemed necessary - is negativity ever necessary? Isn't it interesting how like the weather outside, we have 'weather' inside? Like planets we circle one another and are influenced by each others magnetic pull and emissions. Sad, I’m not sure what is happening . I will not give it any more weight. I leave it there, inside inside me, between the solar plexus and diaphragm like a paper weight. It will just be there until something shifts. I am as I am - in this moment and this moment, not pushing with my mind at this poor old carcass or beating up the emotions with scripts for imaginary scenarios; not sitting in a belief system that tells me that I am something I am not, I am just accepting what is as it is. I am just me, bumbling around in my life in this body. I can only do the work I can in each moment. I can only begin from where I am in any moment of grace when something in me remembers I am interested in being more complete, ("Awake, sleep not for ye know not the hour...." Jesus Christ).
This week again every hour on the hour I try - stop, look, what is happening? Study the food diagram and the hydrogens; ponder food, air, impressions. I find the simple exercises, ones given with few words are best for me. My mind is truly done with trying to "figure it all out". In the moments my wish to Be surfaces and the energy is strong enough to pull me up out of the dream, emotions are visceral not imaginary, my body is a welcome friend - all together once again. I am alive - dancing.
Inside and outside right now I am content with my life as it is. I don't feel the need for more material things - in fact I want less. Many worldly things that are important to others are not important to me. I am doing what I love, drawing, writing, painting, sculpting, communicating with other artists and writers, working on projects delayed for too many years by my own slavery to everything and everyone outside myself. Finally, I am more important to me than everything else. I am free and happy now in a way I honestly know I would never have experienced before I came to the work. I will not leave this peace for "good opinions" or to match anyone's version of who or what I "should" be.
Hmmm... it doesn't feel right to leave it there. I Love my friends. I love them with all my heart and soul and am so grateful to them for Being. I would not be this free or happy had I not met them. I wish for them what I have found for myself and more... everything they are capable of.
Again, we are like the weather, (LOL) but when are the storm clouds going to clear? I am patient. I can wait.
Peace
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