Where am I in my [inner] work today?

Originally Posted:  2011 May 17

I picked up Life Is Real Only Then, When I AM  (by G.I. Gurdjieff) this morning to look for some help before moving into my day of outer work around the house. As I started to leaf through the pages looking for the table of contents, the page fell open to the prologue which appeared to be speaking directly to the question I have:”Where am I in relation to my inner work today?” I thought I’d share it here. Hopefully it will be useful to you as well.

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“I am…? But what has become of that full sensing of the whole of myself, formerly always in me in just such cases of self questioning during the process of self remembering…

Is it possible that this inner ability was achieved by me thanks to all kinds of self-denial and frequent self-goading only in order that now, when its influence for my Being is more necessary even than air, it should vanish without a trace?

No! This cannot be! …

Something here is not right!

If this is true, then everything in the sphere of reason is illogical.

But in me is not yet atrophied the possibility of actualizing conscious labor and intentional suffering! …

According to all past events I must still be.

I wish! … and will be!!

Moreover, my Being is necessary not only for my own personal egoism but also for the common welfare of all humanity.

My Being is necessary to all people; even more necessary to them than their own felicity and their happiness of today.

I wish to be … I still am!”

“This fantastic soliloquy proceeded in me on the 6^th of November, 1927 early in the morning of one of the Montmartre night cafés in Paris when, tired to exhaustion from my “black” thoughts, I had decided to go home and there once more to try whether I might perhaps succeed in sleeping at least a little. …”

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Gurdjieff then goes on to give an account of his state at the time of writing this book and what lead up to it. Perhaps, here, in this prologue left by our dear old rascally teacher, we can find some clues in relation to our own question of “Where am I in relation to my inner work today?” It is certainly worth re-reading.