"THERE DO EXIST ENQUIRING MINDS, which long for the truth of the heart, seek it, strive to solve the problems set by life, try to penetrate to the essence of things and phenomena and to penetrate into themselves. If a man reasons and thinks soundly, no matter which path he follows in solving these problems, he must inevitably arrive back at himself, and begin with the solution of the problem of what he is himself and what his place is in the world around him. For without this knowledge, he will have no focal point in his search. Socrates’ words, “Know thyself” remain for all those who seek true knowledge and being."

VIEWS FROM THE REAL WORLD, BY by G.I. Gurdjieff, p 43

24 March 2009

SILENCE II - NO EXPECTATIONS

Ordinarily, once having had 'success' with an inner task for exercising the attention and self remembering, one might consider the possibility of having the same results or effects again, but it is not to our advantage to think this and to attempt to work in this way. I am lost when I look for past results.

The question is: What is happening now, and now and now, in this moment and this moment and this moment...?

Here I am in myself in this room at this computer typing these particular words onto a screen. While I type, I do not lose track of my self - the body, mind, moving parts, and emotions. I am in touch with my organic being at the cellular level, breathing in and out as as the "head brain", works with the fingers. I am free, relaxed and open; experiencing all that I am in this moment - sort of like a mother walking through the park with a child. I am the mother and the child all at once, holding my own hand as we explore the world calmly, quietly aware of all the sunny places and the hidey-holes inside.

Peace to you, may you also meet yourself where you live.

23 March 2009

SILENCE

Taking the task of speaking only when necessary, how interesting - to be silent inside and out.

To cease unnecessary outer talking is not hard for me; I live and spend my days alone for the most part. It is the inner talking that is standing out. I woke this morning remembering the task and as I got ready for the day, a conversation with myself about how I was to write today ensued. Should I not write this week? An agreement was reached. It is the unnecessary inner talking I am most interested in. This vantage point is fascinating on a deeply personal, organic level. My listening mechanisms have become tuning forks. The inner talking is matter, material with weight and sensation.

The lonesome feeling and sadness I experienced all week is experienced differently now. Ordinarily I just put it in a box, close the lid and shove it in a closet. It is out of it's box now. Given the respect of being heard, the experience has moved to a new level; no longer muffled it has value and is no longer a tugging nuisance.

Not speaking unless necessary also brings me to a place I have not explored in this way before in my external work; a creaky old door has opened and magically cobwebs have cleared from internal rooms, windows are opening and letting in light where I have been rooting out material for the new book in the dark. This new project, long considered and long delayed, is in progress now - the beginning, middle and end falling into place. What is unnecessary sorted from what is necessary.

Peace

13 March 2009

Humility

Gurdjieff Transcripts 1941-1946, Page 33
This conversation actually begins middle page 32 but...

"Question: I have the impression that I cannot prevent myself from using the forces given me by the work in order to be superior to the people whom I meet.
G: You are a small person. One aspect in you has grown. Six others must also grow. After this, you can [imagine] that you are not as others. You must not forget that the first thing to remember is your nothingness, [this idea] of yourself will show you better [that the others have surpassed you]."

Remember this was written in the 1940's, words spoken to educate a specific individual at that time.

For me it speaks to what I need to pay attention to to be a decent human being: loving myself and being patient with myself as well as with others - to practice bearing my own and others manifestations without expression of negativity, to practice being present to all that occurs inside and outside my self and to keep moving toward my cherished aim at all moments no matter what. To be fearless in this study. Almost all other words seem to me to be superfluous in light of the simple instructions; words used perhaps to speak to all the different types before their ears got cleaned out.

Peace

Rumi and Dogs

My favorite poet and mystic once wrote:

"Into the looking glass cavern the dog runs...
Seeing its own reflection there
It dies barking" ~ Rumi

06 March 2009

Simplicity

Just
To Be

Living
Breathing
Walking
Talking
Sighing
Dieing
Eating
Laughing
Crying
Sleeping
Awake

Human

Yes, no, maybe
Yes

Just
To Be

Words
No Words
Thoughts
No thoughts

Me, myself and I
Inside
Outside
Here
With you
With me

Happy as a clam.

Peace

03 March 2009

Too Many Papers

I've spent days looking for two faxes containing "important documents", which I sent out during the last two weeks. I need them now and will have to resend them along with additional information shortly. It's ridiculous. Because of this intensive hunt for the documents there are now piles of paper all over the floor causing confusion and pressure in my poor little pea brain and a tightness in the stomach every time I look at them. Breathe. How can I look at this differently?

Normally all of these bits have homes in file drawers or storage boxes. Why do I keep them at all? My mother (a bookkeeper, tax preparer for H&R Block, and expert paper pusher) used to say we must keep at least ten years of tax related records (including all receipts) just in case we were ever asked to prove what we claimed. Sufficiently transfused with her concern, like a good girl I still obey this rule. There you have quite a bit of paper already. I can't blame it all on my mommy though. Add to that the fact that I am an artist, writer and pack rat - unable to let go of one single bit of anything that seems as if it might be "useful one day" - photographs, books, booklets, manuals, and scraps of this and that - all related - of course - to projects I may do or to use as inspiration or to remind me of something I want to remember - and there you have it. I live in "a pile of stuff with a cover on it." as George Carlin said.

I recall seeing the writing rooms of famous authors, which were filled from end to end, top to bottom with papers and books and little figures of this or that. There was barely room to move. I am not that bad but almost. It's always been like this with me. Every space I've ever occupied for any length of time soon gets filled with "stuff" - all material, all food as far as I can determine - food I am hoarding to pick over when I get hungry and need to eat something specific in order to continue.

Often when I am done with a project, a sort of postpartum blues settles over me. I begin cleaning, sorting, purging, putting all this 'stuff' into order. As the body moves and the hands handle the outer material, the head brain looks through the eyes and and through the "i's", and through the "I's". It daydreams, imagines, plans. It is sorting. It, is eating what it sees in a sense, it is looking for new projects to work on.

I wonder, where am I? How can I participate more actively in this process? Why do I perform this task in my sleep? I remember to become aware of my breathing and begin to allow my breath to be a part of the picture. More of me comes into focus in the space.

When I find the "important' documents and have safely put them in a new file folder in a safe place, I can make order out of the chaos and move on to the next thing - beginning again.

Peace

02 March 2009

BEGINNING AGAIN

In every moment we have the opportunity to begin again - new, a clean slate - innocent.

In the work, beginning again means to come back to oneself, to re-member oneself and start from there in that moment. Easier said than done and done easier than said.

Early on it was drummed into my thick skull that I would begin again a million billion times. After a time I finally verified for myself the reality that I would definitely "get lost". Then, I tested and verified for myself, the idea that every moment there was an opportunity to catch the next train as it were. How liberating - every moment I could begin again from wherever I found myself. No need to despair, but no excuse not to work or to be a slacker.

This knowledge gave me a great sense of freedom from my (then) habitually depressive self. It was a key building block for me in my aim to know and become master of myself and my second aim of learning how to love unconditionally. (No, I am not saying that I have become Master of myself at this time. Not to worry - not flying off to lala land today.)

So, after a weekend of short excursions outside my cave, I finally went to bed early this morning after playing a few more hands of spider solitaire while sifting over the day's events, which confused and saddened me a bit. The bright clean happiness I experienced during the Sunday meeting soon turned to murky cloudy merde after a few brief exchanges with friends during the short break . The atmosphere changed, the energy changed - I sensed negativity where none seemed necessary - is negativity ever necessary? Isn't it interesting how like the weather outside, we have 'weather' inside? Like planets we circle one another and are influenced by each others magnetic pull and emissions. Sad, I’m not sure what is happening . I will not give it any more weight. I leave it there, inside inside me, between the solar plexus and diaphragm like a paper weight. It will just be there until something shifts. I am as I am - in this moment and this moment, not pushing with my mind at this poor old carcass or beating up the emotions with scripts for imaginary scenarios; not sitting in a belief system that tells me that I am something I am not, I am just accepting what is as it is. I am just me, bumbling around in my life in this body. I can only do the work I can in each moment. I can only begin from where I am in any moment of grace when something in me remembers I am interested in being more complete, ("Awake, sleep not for ye know not the hour...." Jesus Christ).

This week again every hour on the hour I try - stop, look, what is happening? Study the food diagram and the hydrogens; ponder food, air, impressions. I find the simple exercises, ones given with few words are best for me. My mind is truly done with trying to "figure it all out". In the moments my wish to Be surfaces and the energy is strong enough to pull me up out of the dream, emotions are visceral not imaginary, my body is a welcome friend - all together once again. I am alive - dancing.

Inside and outside right now I am content with my life as it is. I don't feel the need for more material things - in fact I want less. Many worldly things that are important to others are not important to me. I am doing what I love, drawing, writing, painting, sculpting, communicating with other artists and writers, working on projects delayed for too many years by my own slavery to everything and everyone outside myself. Finally, I am more important to me than everything else. I am free and happy now in a way I honestly know I would never have experienced before I came to the work. I will not leave this peace for "good opinions" or to match anyone's version of who or what I "should" be.

Hmmm... it doesn't feel right to leave it there. I Love my friends. I love them with all my heart and soul and am so grateful to them for Being. I would not be this free or happy had I not met them. I wish for them what I have found for myself and more... everything they are capable of.

Again, we are like the weather, (LOL) but when are the storm clouds going to clear? I am patient. I can wait.

Peace